Wendy and Cartman's Baby
by RepublicanSouthPark
Summary: Deconstructing poorly written stories. Original is by masseffectrules if you want to see how bad the fandom can be. This is written with generally conservative satire and may offend some liberals.


Eric Cartman was impatient. His wife Wendy Testaburger, was not with him even though it was 3 o'clock in the morning. "Ho, where are you? You're supposed to be in bed with me."

"I'm in the bathroom Fatass, I'm not fucking feeling well. I think I may have eaten some goddamn KFC that has gone bad. Whenever you reheat it, I vomit for hours on end." Wendy said with a lot of anger. She was not happy that her parents forced her to marry the bigot after he won the lottery.

"Do you want me to take you to the doctor, bitch? Unfortunately, you always detect the arsenic before I get it to you so this could be fucking real." Cartman yelled with malice.

"No stupid, I think we should wait. Maybe that slut Kyle did it. He's always resented me since he's gotten Stan since Stan liked me more." Wendy replied with quite a bit of delusion. Stan Marsh was the guy she used to date until he came out of the closet with Kyle Broflovski. Before she was forced with Cartman, she tried everything to get back with Stan; even up to denouncing Kyle in public. Her and Cartman's mutual dislike of the Jewish redhead were their only thing they had in common.

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2 Days Later….

Wendy did not look better after two days. She even looked a little worse in her husband's opinion. "Slut, you're still sick. We're going to Hell's Pass right now; get in the car and no complaining. I don't want a murder charge if it really was the Jew."

"Why do I have to rely on a man to take me places?" replied Wendy. Wendy was a gung-ho feminist.

"GET IN THE CAR!. NOW!" yelled Cartman with all his might. Even though she went in the car, she muttered obscenities under her breath all the way.

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At the hospital

"Mr. and Mrs. Cartman." started special guest star Dr. Harry Reid.*

"Mrs. Cartman is my mom." said Cartman indignantly.

"I have some good news for you. YOU GET FUCKING FREE HEALTHCARE! Everyone pays for it so you don't have to." Dr. Reid loved Obamacare.

Obamacare wasn't something Cartman liked for many reasons. "Ay! That means I have to pay for that poor fuck Kenny when he get's an' STD.

"Stupid! Us getting healthcare is good." was what Wendy was going to say before Dr. Reid interrupted.

"It says your husband won the lottery. The policy says you get an 8% premium because we hate rich people! YAY!" cheered Dr. Reid.

This made Cartman even madder. "Fuck you, asshole!"

"STOP IT FATSO! I WANT TO HEAR THE NEWS!" yelled Wendy, angry at her husband's arguing.

"Mrs. Cartman, do you follow the British pop scene by any chance?" said Dr. Reid. He didn't like America a lot so he talked about other countries a lot.

"What the hell does the pop scene have to do with my wife being sick, asshole? Did they try to invade America again and decide to use some biological weapon?" Cartman didn't have a grip on history. "My wife's name is Mrs. Testaburger. Please stop using my name. It's too Aryan to be contaminated."

"Let the fucking doctor speak, Neonazi shiteater!" By this time, Wendy just wanted to hear what was happening.

Dr. Reid finally continued with what he was saying. "The same thing happened to Adele and that Simon guy that no one cares about."

"Not a bio-weapon then. I'm extremely surprised." Cartman said this with some shock in his eyes.

"Shitass, I'm warning you!" Wendy was even madder than before if possible.

"You have severe morning sickness Mrs. Testaburger like Adele did. You're going to have a baby." said Dr. Reid

"FUCK NO!" they both said in almost perfect unision.

"Did you know this doubles as an abortion clinic? You qualify for that." Dr. Reid was really happy. "It only costs $25.00 in cash."

Wendy spoke first. "As much as I personally thought I'd never have an abortion, I will now. Promises are made to be broken."

"I'd have much rather preferred the whore die from arsenic poisoning." Cartman said snarkily.

"Nurse Debbie Wasserman will guide you through the process. I have to take care of another client." Reid skipped out like he was only 21, happy at another success.

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The next day, Cartman/Testaburger home.

"Fatass, I'm happy that we got that abortion! I could have had to take care of another homophobic anti-semite." Wendy felt happier than she had in a while.

Cartman scoffed. "You think you're lucky bitch, I would've had to take care of a hippie, liberal, sewerhole. That baby would've been like Butters."

Wendy was annoyed. "Butters is my friend. He's helped out us more than you'd think! You're just a self-obsessed meglomaniac."

"You're an emo, hippy slut. Hitler would've have picked you first!" yelled Eric

Wendy screamed and landed straight on Cartman. They fought all day and stuff broke. After that, they decided to go to bed and never have sex again.

Credits:

Trey Parker as Eric Cartman

April Stewart as Wendy Testaburger

Birdman as Dr. Harry Reid

Ron Paul as Nurse Debbie Wasserman (Cameo)

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Original A/N: hope you enjoy apologies for any errors reviews will be welcome do you want it to go for the entire pregnancy?

I will not be posting on the weekend since I will not be at office and my Laptop died.

* Harry Reid is not really a medical doctor. He does have a doctorate in law though.


End file.
